A Calling

Today I thought hard about why I am running the Chicago Marathon.  One reason is to honor the memory of my maternal grandfather, a Canadian who spent much of his youth in Port Arthur (now Thunder Bay), Ontario.  He was the descendant of some of the earliest settlers of New France (Quebec).

While thinking about my grandpa I was Called...and this may sound a little hokey, but it's true.  I was called to run wearing a medallion from the Basilica of St. Anne de Beaupré, a very old shrine in Quebec.  Sometime around 150 years ago the grandfather of my grandfather (my great-great grandfather) made a pilgrimage to this shrine in his youth and was miraculously given back his sight.  This medallion has been passed down to me from him.  St. Anne was the mother of Mary and the grandmother of Jesus of Nazareth.

So today I received a Calling...not someone talking out loud to me, but a deep feeling of something that I should do.  In this case I am supposed to run wearing this medal.  I don't know what the purpose for this is, but I will follow through with it, even just as a way of further honoring the memory of my grandfather and his family before him.  At the very least I owe a debt for the intercession of St. Anne, and maybe the reason will be clear when I run...or maybe not.

My Second Half Marathon

After running 2:01:20 two weeks ago, breaking two hours has been on my mind.  I felt like I could have given more in that race (the Rock 'n' Roll Chicago 1/2 Marathon) in the beginning when I wasn't sure what I would need to conserve in order to finish.  This time around I had experience (although only a little) on my side...at least I knew what I could expect from myself.

I didn't really worry the day before the race as much as consider what it would be like if the 2:01 time was a fluke and I ended up running slower.  What if I had so much enthusiasm the first time around and the second time was just more of a long, hard run?  I decided not to get into a head trip and just do my best.

I'm capable of running better than 9:00 miles but at least that sustained for a long distance.  I could break 2 hours running that way, and that gave me confidence.  And then Chris told me that I was capable of so much more than I realized and that I should just get out there and do it...really run it hard...make sure I have nothing left when I cross the finish line.

So that's what I did.

I didn't look at the time for the first several miles, I put my Nike+ on "pace" and kept myself below a 9:00 pace.  Most of the time I tried to run around 8:45, and if I crept up to 8:55 I just ran faster.  A lot of the time I was running around 8:30, and that made me really happy.  I ran up all of the hills with my arms and ran them 8:30...that made me feel strong--that I could do that without as much effort as those around me.

I felt great when I ran past the 2:15 pacesetter.  I felt incredible when I ran past the 2:00 pacesetter.  At mile 7 I remember thinking "Oh my God, I'm only halfway," but that feeling went away pretty quickly.  I remembered something my wife quoted some time ago, "The only person that can tell you 'you can't do it' is yourself...and you don't have to listen to yourself."  I told myself I can do it.  I thought about all of my training.

I started listening to the times that they were calling out at the mile markers around mile 9 and doing the math.  I figured I would finish around 1:57, which would average out to 9:00 miles.  But I was really tired and sore, too, and my pace kept creeping back up to 9:00.  Oh how awesome a sponge soaked in ice cold water feels when they hand you one at this point in the race!

Slowing to 9:00 miles wasn't the way I wanted to run the rest of the race.  This is not who I want to be.  So I just decided to run faster.  I remember thinking that 36 minutes of pain would be a lot shorter than days, weeks and months of regret.  So by mile 10, I decided I needed to run 8:30 or better the rest of the race...and I did.

You truly do not know what you're capable of until you try.

After mile 11 I knew I could do it if I just kept up my current pace.  I kept thinking in my head how far a mile feels when I run in the neighborhood and I imagined that much distance going by me until I got to mile marker 12 and then to marker 13.  At mile marker 13 they called out "1:56 flat", and I since had started the race near the back of the crowd I knew I was going to break 2 hours.  I was not going to glide across the finish line...I did what Belle always yells at us to do:  I sprinted.  My Nike+ said I was running a 7:00 pace when I finished.

I had no idea what my time was because I started the Nike+ about 30 seconds late and I didn't even want to look at it...I wanted my official time.  I looked up on the lists and they only went to 1:56:00.  They had a network problem and it was 10 minutes before they started putting up the rest of the sheets.  I finally squeezed in to take a look, and I couldn't find my name anywhere.  Maybe in my excitement I had done the math wrong in my head and I ran over 2:00...arggh!

So I looked and couldn't find my name and time.  And then I looked back around 1:56 because maybe I had actually screwed up the math in my favor!  Nope...not there.  Could I be in the 1:55's?  Nope.  And then I saw it.

1:54:20

And I didn't know whether to be excited or cry.  A full 7 minutes (on the nose) faster than my first 1/2 marathon.  How the hell did I pull that off?  And then I remembered...

This is who I am.  This is what I do.

And she knows what I'm capable of.  And I'm a really lucky guy.

My First Half Marathon

Yes, there was truly a time when I said that the only way you'd ever see me running would be if there was a big man with a gun chasing me...and then I'd probably only make it a few blocks before the pain in the left arm would start and I'd have a grabber right on the spot.  But my life is different today.  Yesterday I ran a half marathon.

I really was thinking about the half marathon as just my long run for the week.  I actually figured I was getting off pretty easy only running 13 miles when I'd run 16 the week before and by all rights should have run 18 yesterday.  The end game here is the Chicago Marathon in two months.

Talking with my wife Chris on our early morning trip into the city, I wanted to get some tips on what a longer race was all about.  Chris has run several half marathons and also the Chicago Marathon.  First I asked her how long it would probably take me to finish.  We discussed how fast I normally run when we're training--which is probably on average a 9:00 to 10:00 mile.  It's been so damned hot that most of my long runs on the weekend have been more like 10:00 paces.  I really haven't pushed myself on long runs, though on 3 to 5 mile runs I will try to run 8:30 to 9:00.

Chris suggested I try and leave my comfort zone and push myself.  Well, I am all about pushing myself.  I am here today doing what I do and being who I am because I push myself.  So yesterday I pushed myself.  I decided to run as hard as I could.  And it's a bit of a mind thing and a physical thing because I knew I had to push myself but I also didn't want to push myself too hard too early and run out of steam or injure myself.  So in talking with Chris it made sense to aim for 9:00 miles.  When I looked at the clocks passing the mile markers, I made sure I was doing 9:00 or better.

So that's what I did...and it was uncomfortable...but thrilling, too.  But it wasn't really thrilling until I had been running for 1:25, it was somewhere around 9 miles into the race and I realized that I actually had a shot at breaking 2 hours.  I really hadn't seriously considered that...I had friends running who ran around 2:25, and in my head I was thinking 2:10 would be an honest finishing time...for a first half marathon...for a 43 year-old man...for running for the first time 8 months ago.  Ah, I see...this half marathon is a race, not just a long run.

When I realized I had another 36 to 40 minutes to go, I quickly started doing math in my head thinking how much faster I would need to run to shave that down to 35 minutes or less.  What would I need to run to come in at 1:59 or 1:58?  So I started running 8:30 to 9:00 miles like I knew I was truly capable of....only I had already run 10 miles and I was sore from putting out as much as I was.  But the thought of doing my best--and doing a 2 hour or less half--suddenly made me into something different from a runner...I had become a racer.

I thought I was just a guy who got fit and found something he enjoyed.  But a week ago I called myself a runner for the first time out loud after I ran 16 miles along the lake shore.  I finally felt like I had earned the right to be a runner after I did what those training runners do.  Yesterday I became a racer because I literally flung myself forward with every last bit of strength I could possible summon for nearly 3 miles in order to give myself the gift of crossing a finish line knowing I had run as hard as I possibly could--without a drop of energy left in me to go one inch further.  I stood at the finish line for about 25 minutes in the rain holding my water and pretzels watching people finish...seeing the looks on their faces as they crossed the line and were able to stop pushing so hard.  I love to see their faces when they finish.

I didn't know my exact finish time for awhile...it turned out to be 2:01:20, and I am very happy with it because--especially in the end--I gave it my absolute all.  In a couple of weeks I'll run another half...I'll probably do it in less than 2:00.  This is not a race against other runners, it is a race against myself...to better myself.

At the finish line when they put that medal around my neck I wept for a moment at what I felt I had accomplished...not just in this race but so far.

13.1 miles.  I'm halfway there.

Thoughts on Long Runs and Training for the Chicago Marathon

On Saturday I ran 16 miles along the lake shore in Chicago.  I have read about the long runs that the Chicago Area Runners Association (CARA) does on Saturday mornings, and Chris has told me about the long Team In Training runs on Saturdays, but this was my first time out there.  I truly didn't feel like an endurance runner--really a runner of any kind--until I did that long run along the lake on Saturday.  Running with hundreds of other people who were training or racing really put so many things in my mind into perspective.  I will long remember the look on the faces of people running by or people stopping to drink at a fountain in the heat. 

There is definitely something to the fact that it was 87º with humidity of 65% making the heat index about 95º that gave me a feeling of accomplishment after we were done.  Finishing a long run in that kind of heat has made me feel like race day can throw anything it wants at me--heat, hills, whatever--and I'll be able to finish. 

Now I'm not trying to get cocky...a marathon is 10 more miles beyond that 16...but mentally it has done a lot for me to finish these long runs...especially since every one so far has been in oppressive heat.  It's all about building the miles and going the distance.  It's been great learning when to drink, how much to drink, when to walk, etc.  I'm learning what to expect from myself physically and mentally, and I guess that's what training is all about.

A friend of mine at work commented about training for the marathon that "there really is a science to all of this," and of course he is right.  And if you follow the training schedule, then the rest is really up to you in your head.  When I have a hard time running up a hill, get a cramp, etc. I remind myself that I'm running to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society--people with cancer and people who are supporting people with cancer--it's pretty easy to summon up strength to run another mile when I think about people with cancer who have trouble just standing up or being able to eat.  So yes, there's science to this, but there's also commitment and motivation.

The greatest gift I have in all of this is my running partner, coach and beautiful wife Chris as well as our children.  Having such a wonderfully supportive family makes all of the difference in what we are doing:  how understanding the kids are when we run and how they come out and run or ride with us is great.  Do not underestimate the ability of a pre-teen to enthuse and motivate!  And do not discount the extra distance that can be run on a few dozen verses of "99 Bottles of Pop on the Wall."  I am the luckiest and most thankful guy in the world.

Perhaps as a benefit of all of this training I will live long enough to see my childrens' grand-children.  I think that's something I'll think about next time I have a long run.

Random Quotes for Today

"Cleverness is not wisdom." ~ Euripides

"Write in recollection and amazement for yourself." ~ Jack Kerouac

"Ask yourself: 'Can I give more?' The answer is usually: 'Yes'." ~ Paul Tergat, Kenyan professional marathoner

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought." ~ Buddha

"He who knows best knows how little he knows." ~ Thomas Jefferson

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." ~ John Bingham 
  
"From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached." ~ Franz Kafka


"All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure." ~ Mark Twain 


"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu 


"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest." ~ Confucius

Karma....from the cheap seats

I was talking to a friend yesterday about Karma.  My friend was coming from the point of view of judgement, sort of a "they will get theirs" attitude.  For a long time I thought that was a major tenet of Karma...that there was some ultimate judgement that would balance things out.  I thought that someday the kid down the street that beat me up would get beat up by some bigger, meaner kid and that would even out the score for me, even if I didn't see it happen or even realize it happened--Karma would balance things out.

Well I've come to realize that thinking this way allows suffering to continue...both in my own mind for the retribution I'm hoping for--realized or not--and for the kid down the street who will get beat up someday.  So raised in a Christian eye-for-an-eye upbringing I'm used to expecting some justice, and as I've outlined above, I was taught to seek it out.  I've managed to set aside the seeking it out part, and recently I've been able to dispense with my expectation of it.

And my suffering is less because of it.  I no longer look for justice, and I feel that doing away with this need for retribution has lifted a weight from me.  What's done is done.  The past cannot be changed, and we will do better to make the present the best we can.  This cannot be done with cloudy thoughts that obscure all of the goodness that is in reach.

This is taking me practice, and it isn't always easy.  But I cannot pretend to feel good when there is suffering around me, and I cannot do away with my own suffering if I participate in the suffering of others.  Is this forgiveness?  Is it simply forgetting the transgression or ignoring it?  No, it is a refusal to be sucked in by hate, fear and disillusionment and letting these overrule my disposition.

This is how I view Karma.  It is a gift.  Karma has its own methods that I'm merely supposed to observe and take part in when asked.  Karma is a peach that can only be eaten once it's ripe.

July comes in with fireworks

Now that it's summer I am doing long runs on the weekend, and I continue to increase my mileage during the week...my weeks are now 20 miles or more total. In June I married my beautiful running partner and best friend. Training for the marathon with Chris has been a wonderful experience, and knowing that we're both raising funds and awareness for LLS has been so worthwhile. Please make a donation to support my participation in Team In Training and help advance LLS's mission.